AirSpaceMag.com

Photo: US Navy

Admit it: Sometimes you want to skip all the technical hoo-hah and get straight to the jokes. For your enjoyment, today we’re resurrecting a bit of aircraft maintenance humor that has been roaming the Internet since 1997, and circulating on hard copies before that. The jokes have been attributed to, among others, the United States Air Force, the Royal Air Force, the commercial carrier Qantas, and UPS, the shipping company.

One Internet version claims that these are “actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots’ squawks.” Snopes.com is skeptical. But it really doesn’t matter; compiled or created, they’re still fun.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Solution: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Problem: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Solution: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Problem: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Solution: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.